BROKEN HEARTED, ABUSED, LIED TOO, & USED but NOT CONFUSED!!!

hi to all my followers to be... well here I am again at the same place i was 3 in a half months ago. I don't know why I allowed myself to be used again, why did I believe that someone would actual love me? Back in survival mode again. I'm just so tired of people using my kindness as a weakness, lying to me and telling me one thing but doing another will I ever have stability in my life? At this point, I don't know how I should be or feel about people and life i really feel like being on the offensive end with everyone. What do you do when your closest family lies to you. What do you do and where do you place people in your life that don't mean you well? For a long time I was quote on quote had pride and people would tell me I couldn't live in this world alone but now that I'm thinking about it I have always been alone I was adopted, my mom died when I was 20 or something and i met the worst mistake of my life, got a criminal background, was pregnant all by myself and became homeless,  hopeless and used back to hopeful and not back to hopeless & homeless. I'm convinced that I can live in this life alone when I bring people into my life I whined of being used and abused for the little things, life and strength I have left for that reason I have no friends! People are always out to use people and suck them dry. You know scientist say that based on how we are living our lives today determines our future well the world is going to hell because I am 25 about to turn 26 and I have yet to find a person who feels the way I feel someone who thinks of others first and I'm not talking about love I'm talking about a good nature hear-ted person. You know people have the nerve to tell you, you should pick up your phone because there call as if they paid your bill people actually have the nerve to get mad because you don't pick the phone up to answer so they can harass and beg you for your last. Then you have those people who get mad cause you don't call them. Are you serious can you tell me what was stopping someone from picking up the phone to call me even though the reason I stopped picking the phone was because it wasn't because they were calling to check on me to see how I was doing it was to beg for money but you see I live in a shelter what money do I have for you! Future people of my blog to be do you know that the people of this world don't want to see you do good that there really jealous and just putting on a smile to see if they can punch that soft spot to use you and suck you dry even when you have nothing not even a pot to piss in and people still have there hands out. Is it just human nature? Or is it that people really don't know what there doing and are they really that cold guess what they really are that COLD. Did you know when people see you there just like vampires you know as I am typing this I think I finally figured out why I'm infatuated with vampires because there cold heartless being trying to get as much as they can and go never to see you again. Do you know people will pray for your failure they will exalt pray up to GOD that you shouldn't be in good health or have a happy life then you have those people who pray for you to come back to your same old useless situation. Like for example i knew this dude he was kind but didn't love me or want me he only wanted me if i could give him a child everything was based on conceiving a child which i had no problem with i actual wanted to be pregnant by him but not as soon as he wanted i wanted to finish school anyways so i was like OK he's not the one for me i express that to him at a far later date when I wasn't messing around with him, but he still continues to call me, and email me, tango me why because he selfish thinking about his next nut. Even if that is not true because no one knows a person heart he talked about me like a dog so people of my blog why would he be calling me. I have been naive about this world blind sort to say i always believe no matter how bad a person use or treated you they had a heart somewhere in there..... I think its time we stop blaming people evilness on the devil maybe Lucifer plays a part in this play we call life but is not all him its a persons nature. I do wish I was like a vampire so I can suck people dry as they do me to never return again but I'm not sad anymore as this chapter closes in my life i new one begins and for that reason I'm not confused but happy and eagerer to know what lies ahead.

Dying To Be THIN

Blogging is hard! I was half way threw when I click off and my draft was gone, gone, gone! I tell ya. Blog spot is weird it saves your draft after each pause you take from typing so when come back again to find it  NOT there. Anyways this blog is not about that its about me and how i want to be thin as a toothpick I mean thin I'm always goggling  "Zoebots", clenbuterol, skinny celebrities, celebrities weight loss secrets and i find new info all the time. I never go anywhere because I am big which is why i started doing to whole HCG thing and I was getting my skinny back and now I'm gaining but its because I got tired of diet you really have to put yourself in a mindset to succeed at staying thin and because I didn't know what else to buy to push my body further into losing more weight if I would have known what I knew now I would have been to my ideal weight by now I dont even know what I weigh and don't wanna know until i start over again. I had a delay in my weight because of some life problems which have led me to where I am now. I don't even care about my well being anymore cause it's too over rated hell it seems everyone around me that's actually living there life and doing bad things is actually getting what they want out of life weird right so now I said i going to do just that be me from head to toe. So I have been goggling all night about weight loss. Its like I cant get my life straight until I get my size right does that sound right. So I ran across this blog that talks about everything under the sun about losing weight quickly and she said to find your wight inspirations and surround yourself with them. Some of mine include Nikki Hilton, Rachel Zoe, Mary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie, Kristen Stewart, Kiera Knightly, Lindsay Lohan, Victoria Beckam & Mischa Barton.

Cause I have a adrenal body type stress makes me fat instead of making me skinny and everything on me is ok all my weight is in my stomach area. I guess I'm having a early-life crisis because I drying to be thin and live my life  to the the extreme at any cost to my well being and health.

Life  is stressful right now well hell when isn't it for me thats why ima live my life the way I want to cause hell I'm the one who has to be happy everyone around does what they want to be happy but not me i sitting here waiting for someone to spend time with me well im get my ass up and move around on a nigga. What im i waiting for i dont know. But I know one thing whatever ive been waiting for Im going to go out there and find it go get it you heard.

Update on weight loss

Hi you guys to come and to be I'm currently using Zhen de Shou to loss weight after I lost 17lbs on HCG well if you know any thing about HCG then you know its cant be taken while your on your period and after 43 days so body wont get immune to it. So I had to find something else to take so I wouldn't gain  weight and I would keep losing weight. So I'm currently on Zhen de Shou and I started at 201.8 and I'm 194.2 and today is only my fifth day, I'm loving this pill. Take it at your own risk because people have died from this pill. But I think its safer than clenbutrol the current celebrity craze.

I definitely like this pill better than phentermine! And I'm starting to like it better than HCG to because you can eat and you don't have to be on a diet but you still have to consume lots of water this pill (ZDS) has been known to cause liver and kidney failure so you still need at last a quart of water  a day.

Phentermine is appetite suppressant to keep you from you from eating but it dries the body out a lot so you must drink water and HCG burns pure fat but you must have a VLCD (very low calorie diet for 43 days) and drink water the more water you drink the more fat you urinate out. And ZDS(zhendeshou) is a appetite suppressant and is suppose to be all natural from so plant but IDK. It makes you lose up to 20 lbs in one month or per month if you decide to keep taking it.  If you have any questions and want more info join my YouTube channel you can find me by typing in elocin2008g in the search bar. Subscribe , Rate, Comment and you'll see what I'm up to.

Confused

OMG you guys I am so confused if you follow me on you-tube then you know that every once in a while I have said my baby-daddy and my boyfriend which are two different people but I live with my baby daddy and for a little bit I thought we were gonna get back on good term because he had told me that he didn't want me to be with the person I was with. So I cut if off and then after my ex-boyfriend so to say went out of town me and my baby-daddy got in to it really bad i found that he was still messing around with this girl from 4 years ago and that he slept with her in our old apartment even though of course he wont admit it well what all sparked this was when i found out he was back to his old games of having dating profile online which this time it was mocospace.com which I hate now. And then a day later he left his PC up and i seen pictures of the same girl he cheated on me with while i was pregnant. I specifically told him if he made the decision to be with me that I didn't want him to be with her. Well it didn't seem like he was ever gonna tell me he truth so I came to the decision that I wanted to move to Cali which I have been begging him for 3 years to help me do. He doesn't want to help me move because he knows he will never see our son again but even if i stayed in my current city i still wouldn't let him see our son I'm even thinking about changing my sons name.

This exactly how I felt when I found out he was still sleeping and messing around with this girl!!!

So anyways alot of things went thru mind

This one of those things because I was like I'm not just gonna let a five year realationship go down the drain and i was like I wanna send him and that girl a message but i decided not to but to work on me instead and get me straight so I could move out.

but most of all I want to get far far away from him and I don't have a way out. Now my ex boyfriend is back in town and he calls but I miss his call so I text him what is it cause I was mad at him for something he did....

Cause in between the time we was broke up we decided to still be friends so anyways. I'm so confused now I don't know what to do. I don't know he he really loves me or if he playing games(my ex). Plus I still here with my BD and he's driving me insane I hope to be moved out by December I looking for a job now because my other job might not come thru if I cant get there to do my paper work to renew my contract ( my truck is in the shop) yeah:(

I'm so confused ... I don't know if I should run into his arms... or tell him to fuck off...

Okay and lets not forget that my baby daddy said he was never gonna do it know more which I'm sure is a lie.

Pros of my ex: He nice giving, respectful in a old fashion way, sensitive,caring, likes to cuddle, attentive, says he wants marriage.

Cons of my ex: Sometimes can be to sensitive, confuses me, closes up when he has problems, to sociable at times.

Pros of my BD: nice, will do anything I ask him that doesn't involve giving me $ in my hands and I cant think of anything else

Cons of my BD: cheap,doesn't give me money to pamper myself, only does things if it benefits him, feel I should give him 100% while i get 30%, closes up when he needs to think, no communication, nothing in common, feet in stinky, nails are black, food stinks, like a/c on 80 degrees in the summer.

OK so I never really realize how much the cons out weighted the pros when it comes to my BD. IDK ,there are alot of things from our past hindering our future

With my baby-daddy I know I have security as far as a place to stay that why i haven't left seeing that I don't make enough to move.

And with my ex, he saids hes gonna he a place so I can have a place to escape to and he has asked me to move with him provided that I give him a child which I don't want know more of until I'm financially stable and married with a house and nice car with a/c that wont stop on the side of the road. I wanted my first child to be his but when it turned out not to be his I was okay well I don't want anymore, until i get myself together.

So what should I do I DON"T KNOW because I have no one following my BLOG !!! AHHHH LOL..

Introduction

Hi Bloggers and Blogets. So this is my first entry and time doing this I use to say to myself I would never do anything like this cause i didnt want people to know that much about me but now I dont care I am who I am and  like I have always said if you can't get with that then get gone. I think whoever joins my Blog will enjoy reading my post cause I dont hold back I say exactly what I mean and how it came to my mind. So basically lets see I dont have a life. I have been stuck in the house this whole entire summr becaue my car needed fixing and it took 3 weeks just for us to get it to the mechanic shop and now that it is there..... once they fixed the suppose it ly problem (cant remember how to spell right now) the jerking didnt stop so now they supposeitly know why my truck is jerking and shit. Oh this is not for PG eyes lol. Anyways the part itself cost $700 brand new and about $500 used so where still looking and I'm still cooped up in this apartment I'm so damn tired of counting the white walls I even think my son is going a little crazy too. I'm currently taking summer classes but they end in about three days & my History class is on my membrane cause I have actually been trying but I'm still failing the exams cause they give you 1 hour to do 50 DAMN question. If I get a C I will be highly pissed off. Cause I actually tired this time hell. I'm piss just typing about it. Plus my friend is hear to visit so that totally put a damper on my Diet and will set my back some pounds I haven't weigh myself since the 28 cause I don't wanna know what the scale says. OK so since I'm on my you know what I took the liberty to order myself some Zhen De Shou pills from www. zhendeshoudiet.com and I'm looking into Melzitang if the girl gets back to me here's her website ~~~~>http://chasitysmeizitang.com. Because I dot wanna gain back the 17lbs I lost not allot but its definitely a starter to getting down to my 130lb. OK so I know you guys don't know nothing about me so you should go check out my youtube channel it explains it all. Basically I'm trying to lose weight so I was on HCG, Phentermine, B6, B12, And Lipo BC Pills, and I got some really good hoodia that actually works from hoodiaprime.com as a back up. Here is my stats I was 217.6 on July 1st and July 28 I was 200 so you see i will add pictures as soon as I figure out how.